#IWSG: Watching My Mate Die

December 24, 1969Forty eight years ago a handsome man asked if I would be his wife. A few months later, we stood in a small country church on the Big Island of Hawaii and said our vows. Of the many reasons I wanted to spend my life with him, a selfish one was that I didn’t want to spend my old age alone.  Now, it seems I must adjust to a very different life than I had hoped for.

Ralph is very ill. He has been getting weaker and deteriorating for months. He’s been in the hospital 1985 Graduationtwice in the past two weeks.  I feel so inadequate while watching him struggle for breath, panic attacks and more.  Yesterday, while holding his hand, I accepted the fact that neither I nor the doctors may be able to change the outcome. I want to shield him from the gut wrenching fears, and yet I can barely manage my own. For the time being, I remain at his side and walk with him into the night. At some point, I may have to let go of his hand – and just the thought of that terrible moment is torture.

If you have a spare moment, please send my dear husband a prayer or simply thoughts of comfort. My hope is that, in spite of his lack of any beliefs of an after life, that he may become aware of being surrounded by love. Thank you.

 

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13 thoughts on “#IWSG: Watching My Mate Die

  1. I will pray that your dear husband feels your love and your comfort and that he finds peace for himself and assurance that you will be able to master life if he must go. I am sitting here at my computer, very sad, even though I don’t know you personally. Having experienced so many goodbyes in the last ten or twelve years, I know the valley that you are in. I’ll be thinking of you.
    Shalom,
    Patricia http://www.patgarciaandeverythingmustchange.com/2016/05/the-second-milestone-iwsg-article-may-4.html

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  2. Prayers and blessings will be sent your way. May you both find peace, and courage, and continue to hold onto the love that’s bound you all these years. I am sorry for your sorrow.

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  3. If he knows love, he knows God, whether he realizes it or not. I’m praying for his fears and yours to be eased. You are a tough lady and a wonderfully spiritual one. I know you’ll shine in ways you never thought you could, but I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

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  4. I will pray for you both. I hate it. I know for you the intensity of knowing while watching can be overwhelming, I did that with my dad.

    Don’t grieve so much in the present moment that you cannot appreciate this time left in the living. Fill that time with precious moments and all the love you want them to take with them. I did fill the moments but the feeling dominated me despite that, but I know more now. Now I could change it.

    I say this because my memories of mourning my dad while he was living are still with me as strong today as back then. I wish I had put more of me into making other-types of stronger memories while it was still possible.

    That I had focused intensely on the present grabbing the joy of the moments, instead of focused on the future about what I was losing and that I could not control. I still had a choice then.

    I do remember the other stuff, but the mourning haunts me. Hold on to the today’s, live in the present, because that is what living is living in the moment, right here, right now, that is the focus.

    May God bless and keep you both close and May you find the JOY in today that carries through eternity. Praying.

    Sorry I wrote another post instead of a comment. I was just so moved by yours and felt for you.
    Juneta @ Writer’s Gambit

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    1. He is still in the land of the living. Yesterday, I wasn’t sure if was going to need another trip to the hospital. However, when I got his breakfast for him this morning, he looked so bright eyed and present. I wonder if he has turned a corner toward stability. I’m determined to remain hopeful and maintain a positive demeanor for both of us. Attitude is truly important.

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  5. I can’t begin to understand what you are going through. I am forever impressed by those capable of making a lifelong commitment to a partner, something I’ve never been able to do. I don’t believe in an afterlife either, at least not in a typical sense as most people understand it. However, I do believe that the will to live is important in anyone’s survival in this crazy world. You are a wonderful person and I’m sure your husband can feel your strength and love, and that feeds into his own in those moments he doesn’t feel so strong. I will send positive thoughts.

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