Sunday Snippet: WIP, Forbidden

shutterstock_29319118-001These are the first paragraphs of Chapter 1. Does the scene grab you enough to want to read on?

The clamor at the crowded airport terminal fed Eliza’s rising anxiety. Voices of excited Arabic people and thunderous intercom announcements echoed throughout the cavernous hallway. The fact that Eliza understood Arabic only served to drive home the risk she was taking – travelling alone in a country with a history of treating women unkindly.

Again, she checked the airport’s arrivals and departures digital board. ‘United Air 719 – DELAYED. Her gut flipped. They’re an hour late.

As she gazed at ‘DELAYED’, she heard screams and explosions, witnessed fire blazing in a dark void. Stop it, just fucking stop it! The vision faded. Eliza trembled with a sense of foreboding.

Your comments, criticism and suggestions, are appreciated.

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15 thoughts on “Sunday Snippet: WIP, Forbidden

  1. Oh, you’re so right. I edited the sentence but didn’t note the confusing text. I’ll fix that right now. Thanks.

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  2. Yeah, I want to read more. I want to know what the flashback/vision was all about. Fire blazing in a dark void is also a really good image. Why is she nervous? Who is late? Why does she forbode? It’s a really good set up and poses a lot of questions that I think people would want to find out about.

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  3. Yes these first few lines capture my attention, but the magnet that draws me in is her vision. I immediately want to read more to find out why she has seen this.

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  4. Hope you don’t mind if I’m a bit more critical. I like where you are going with the scene but it would be stronger and would suck in the reader if you got rid of all that description at the beginning and just start with:one sentence: “Eliza, who understood only Arabic,was travelling alone in a country that mistreated women.” You got my attention. Forget adverbs ie treated unkindly. Using mistreated instead is stronger and says it all. And never use “the fact”,to start any sentence. Just say it. Then I would go into her looking at the arrivals and departures and ensuing explosions.. BTW Don’t TELL about her anxiety but SHOW it by her movements, for example. I’m not an expert but my suggestions aren’t opinions but based on books I’ve read about the craft of writing and used in writing Loddy-Dah which got published.. Good luck!

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  5. Thank you, Dollydennis. I appreciate your comments. I agree on several points, particularly re “the fact” and showing her anxiety. I wonder if I start with the second paragraph (vision), then put in the first paragraph?

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  6. I liked it and her vision makes me curious not only about what’s coming, but how she knows. The only sentence I’d change is: “The fact that Eliza understood Arabic only served to drive home the risk she was taking…” to “Eliza’s understanding of Arabic only drove home the risk she took…” Nicely done, Judy. 🙂

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  7. How amazing. Different views make this a bit challenging to decide what is right. This is an excellent exercise in understanding how each reader will have a different response. What I see is where the majority have a suggestion on a particular point, eg. “The fact”… needs to get the boot. Thanks.

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  8. I agree with dollydennis it is after all YOUR book and you write the story the way you feel is right for you and your characters. Its only our opinion as readers and every readers is going to have a different view point. I am slowly learning the art of “show don’t tell” and its no easy task! What I’ve read of Forbidden to date in my opinion it will be a book I’ll be adding to my Kindle library.

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